Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that their jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love: it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. They will question the partner about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting or be jealous of time spent with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may frequently call during the day or drop by unexpectedly. They may give the partner a hard time for being involved in activities or work for fear that they will meet someone else. They may even do strange behaviors, such as asking friends to watch them.

Controlling Behavior: The batterer will say that this behavior is because they are concerned for the partner's safety, their need to use time will, or a need to assist them in making good decisions. They will be angry if the partner is "late" to meet them after a trip to the store or an appointment. If the partner cannot see them when they want, they may question who the partner will be with their plans.

The relationship moves fast: Many people dated or knew the abuser who abused them for less than six months before committing or living together. They come on like a whirlwind- "You're the only person I could ever talk to," "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." They need someone desperately and will pressure the partner to commit to them.

Unrealistic Expectations: They’re very dependent on the victim/survivor for all of is needs. They expect the partner to be the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend, mother/father, lover, friend. They will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need – you're all I need." The partner is supposed to take care of everything for them emotionally and meet all their needs.

Isolation: The abuser tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If the partner has made friends, there is a "slut" or cheating. If the partner is close to family, they are "tied to the apron strings." Or "a momma's boy." The abuser accuses people who are the partner's support of "causing trouble." The abuser may try to keep the partner from working or being involved in school or other activities that do not revolve around the abuser.

Blames Others for Their Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the person they are dating for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on doing their job. The abuser will tell the partner they are at fault for anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for Their Feelings: The abuser will tell their partner, "You make me mad," "You're hurting me by not doing what I ask," "I can't help being angry." The abuser decides what they think and feel but will use their feelings to manipulate the woman. More complex to catch is the abuser's claims that "You make me happy," "You control how I feel."

Any Force During an Argument: This may involve physically restraining the partner from leaving the room, as well as pushing or shoving them. For example, the man may hold the woman against a wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."

Hypersensitivity: The abuser is easily insulted. They claim their feelings are "hurt" when they're outraged or take the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened to them-things that are just part of living – like being asked to turn their work in on time, getting a traffic ticket, being to that something they do is annoying or being asked to help with chores.

Cruelty to Animals or Children: This person punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. The abuser may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability, or they may tease children or young brothers or sisters until they cry. (60% of men who beat the women they are with also abuse their children).

“Playful” Use of Force During Sex: The abuser may like to throw their partner down and hold them during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the partner is helpless. He is letting the partner know that the idea of “rape” excites them. The abuser may show little concern about whether their partner wants to have sex and sulk or use anger to manipulate their partner into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with their partner while sleeping or demand sex when the partner is tired or ill.

Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things to be cruel and hurtful, the abuser may also curse at the partner and degrade any of their accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that they're stupid and unable to function without the abuser.

Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects a partner to serve them. The abuser may say their partner must meet their needs, criminal things. The abuser will see their partner as inferior, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women/men are confused by the abuser's "sudden" changes in mood- they will describe that one minute the abuser is lovely and the next the abuser explodes as though they have some unique "mental problem," or like the abuser is "crazy." Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers.

Past Battering: The abuser may say they have hit their partners in the past, but they made them do it. You may hear from the relatives that the abuser is abusive. A batterer will beat any partner they are with; situational circumstances do not make an abusive personality.

Threats of violence: This would include any threats of physical force. “I’ll kill you,” “I’ll break your neck.” Most abusers do not threaten their partners, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying, “Everybody talks like that.”

Breaking or striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment but is mainly used to terrorize the partner into submission. The abuser may beat the tables with their fist, throw objects around or near the partner. The abuser may say, "See, I hit the rear-view mirror, not you. I don't want to hurt your," don't be fooled – it is an implied threat.